Separate But Equal

The motto in our house is "Separate But Equal" and in this case it means that the canine lives in the front three rooms and the felines live in the back three rooms, but we are all loved equally.

We didn't always have to live separately, but then The Incident Of Which We Shall Not Speak occurred and mom and dad decided it was not safe to keep us together.

Grover and I like to think of it as Siri being banished because he's a big stupid dog with big stupid teeth, but when no one is home, we sit on one side of the door that divides our space from his space and he sits on his side and tells us that we are the ones being banished, not him. And he tells us that we better not try to touch his food again. And he tells us that if we try to sneak into his space he will eat us.

OK, he doesn't say these things to Grover. He LIKES Grover. He doesn't like me. I don't like him either and that is why whenever I see him I try to attack him. And that is why he's banished. But he insists WE are banished.

Sometimes we believe him. Like the past two nights. Because he got to sleep in the bedroom with our parents and the bedroom is in OUR part of the apartment! We did NOT say he could go in there.

We slept outside the bedroom door all night and we could hear him in there snoring along with our dad and let me tell you, 'pissed off' does not even begin to express what Grover and I are feeling right now.

We are contemplating a proper punishment for not only our mom and dad, but for Siri, too.

I don't know who the heck he thinks he is, but if he sleeps in our bedroom again tonight, this means war!

This picture was taken way back before All Hell Broke Loose.

This gives you somewhat of a hint as to why The Incident of Which We Shall Not Speak occurred.

OK, one more hint, you didn't think a dog would tolerate getting hit in the face by a cat, would you?

OK, just one more hint...did you know that if a dog tries to bite you because you kept hitting him in the head and charging him and hissing at him, and your mom jumps between you and the dog, and she gets bit really hard and gets a bone infection that lasts for months it means the dog gets banished?

Well let this be a warning to all dogs. Do NOT mess with the cats. And do NOT bite the mom!

And stay out of our bedroom, too! This means YOU, Siri!

Frootbat Friday

Hi.

It's Grover.

Listen.

I've been invited to join Frootbat Friday so here is one of my favorite pictures of myself - me drinking my mom's bath water. This is why my mom can't use bubble bath anymore - it would make the water taste funny and we both know she only takes baths so that I can have a long, warm drink.

I prefer to drink from anything other than my water bowl.

I like to drink from the faucet, the toilet (this one always gets me in trouble but the water is so COLD!), any cup or glass of liquid I see lying about (mom usually leaves a glass full of water on the counter for me) and my favorite way to drink is to lick water off my mom's hands when she's washing dishes or brushing her teeth.

So, thanks for inviting me. I am honored to be a Frootbat (even though I never knew I was one before just now!).

Love,

Grover

P.S. Does Pig count as a Frootbat? I don't think so. We all know that bats have fur and Pig does not. I will be sure to tell him he can't join us.

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Hi, it's Pig.

I am SO a Frootbat and here is a picture to prove it.

Just look at those EARS!

And, um, please don't stare at my bits. I was trying to cover them up with my tail. It didn't work.

Grover thinks he's so cute.

Last night he slept under the covers by mom's shoulder but his head stuck out and rested on the pillow like a person would sleep, and mom made a big fuss over how cute Grover looked, oh how sweet little Grover is, funny little Grover....blah blah blah blah!

Here, look at both of us.

Who's cuter?

It's ME, right?

RIGHT?!

Hi.

This is Grover.

Listen, I love peanut butter. My mom was just packing her lunch for work tomorrow and she made these things she calls "Ladybugs on a Log" that are really a combination of three of my favorite foods. Celery sticks (she peels them, we both hate the strings), stuffed with peanut butter and dotted with a few dried cranberries. If she uses raisins we call them "Ants on a Log".

I don't care what we call them, all I care about is whenever she makes some for herself she makes a teeny one for me, too.

I lick and lick the peanut butter and I chew and chew the cranberries and I lick the celery but don't chew it...it's the leaves I love the most! I could eat celery leaves three times a day if she'd give them to me. But she doesn't.

I like a lot of different kinds of people food and I've discovered that if I sit on the countertop when mom is making something and I put on my Especially-Cute-Face and gaze at her lovingly with my big green eyes, she'll usually give me a tiny taste. Oh, and sometimes I have to meow really loud to get her attention. This is how I discovered that I love cheese, meat, chicken, butter, yogurt, eggs, jicama, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers, cottage cheese, Asian Rice cracker snacks, tuna fish, Granny Smith apples...pretty much everything she lets me taste I like.

Pig is not as big a fan of people food as I am. You'd think he would be since he's such a fat Pig. He likes some things, but you'd think he loved to eat potatoes and mushrooms all the time since that is what he smells like. But he doesn't. I like to eat both of those. But I don't like that Pig smells like them, especially when he doesn't eat them. It's just too weird.

I've always been small and sinewy, and I've always eaten a lot. If I were human, I think I'd be a model, a super model. Not one of those Amazonian ones, more like a Kate Moss one. Minus the drug problem and skanky boyfriend.

I know I'm a boy, but we're talking hypothetical here so don't get all caught up in the details.

Anyway, the whole point of this is to tell you I like peanut butter. And celery. And cranberries.

Serious.

Love,

Grover

Grover and I love catnip, even though mom says it makes me a nasty drunk because sometimes I'll bite her after I play with it.

She has this big tub o' catnip that she hides in the kitchen cabinet above the sink and, of course we know it's there; we just haven't yet figured out how to knock it down so we can have as much as we want, whenever we want.

She's pretty fair about it though...she takes old socks and fills the toes with catnip and ties them up tight with the knot just to the top of the catnip and these things are FUN! One for me and one for Grover.

Grover likes to carry his up onto the counter and kick the crap out of it up there.

I prefer the floor for my own personal kick-the-shit-out-of-the-catnip-sock entertainment.

We both like to lick our catnip socks but Grover says I lick mine too much and it gets soggy and nasty and then Siri's fur sticks all over it. Why does that dog have so much FUR and why is he always leaving it everywhere!?

Mom thinks I'm the one that's a nasty drunk but it's really Grover! He thinks he's all tough after he plays with his sock and then he sneak attacks me and tries to pin me down. He says he's the big brother and I'm the little brother and I better start acting like it. He hits me hard with his back paws, but he only weighs 6 pounds and I weigh 23 pounds so he doesn't hurt me too much, usually, but sometimes he does. I never let him know he does though. No way. I don't care that he's five years older than me, I'm nearly 4 times his weight! That's right!

After we play we like to eat and then we drink water and then we nap.

Tell your mom to make you a catnip sock! It's fun! But keep your big brother away from the catnip.

Wahoo!

Guess what year it is?

That's right - the Year of the Pig!

It's all about me this year - all about the Pig.

Finally, I am getting the attention and respect I deserve.

It's about damned time.

Grover fell into the toilet today. I swear.

He flew out of there so fast that water splashed all over.

It was VERY funny...especially since I'm the only one who usually gets baths around here.

Snort!

Hi.

This is Grover.

Listen. I really like cheese. I mean, I REALLY like cheese.

And coffee. I like to lick the lid to the coffee can. It's very tasty.

I am not above sticking my head into a cup to see if there is coffee in there. If there is, I will drink some.

It's tasty.

Keeps me up at night, though.

I have to cut back.

Love,

Grover

I love to lick the catnip banana.

I lick it and lick it and lick it and it gets all wet and soggy.

Then I get really hungry and I go into the kitchen and eat and eat and eat.

Then I take a good long nap.

Then I go lick the catnip banana again.

I singed my tail on the stove.

I pretended it didn't hurt because mom is forever taking me off the stove and telling me NOT to go back up there.

I will not let her know it hurt when I accidentally stuck my tail in the fire under the pot of boiling water.

I will have NO reaction when she rubs balm into my tail to cool it off.

I will NOT let her think she was right about this.

Screw her.

P.S. Ouch.

I have been especially loving and snuggly with my mom this week.

I keep jumping in her lap, putting my paws over her shoulder and rubbing my face against hers.

At night I sleep curled against her belly under the covers.

When she's in the shower, I peek around the curtain and gaze at her adoringly and meow a lot.

I am being particularly attentive.

Probably because I have done something very bad that she has yet to discover and I'm trying to soften her up...

Something is going on.

There is a big crate in my living room.

It smells like...well, I don't know what it smells like, but the scent has been referred to as "Siri" by my mom.

I do so hope this Siri thing is not going to inhabit the crate.

If I had hair it would be standing up right now!

I love to lick butter. Grover does, too.

It is a very tasty treat.

Not quite as tasty as licking mom's plate of brisket when she's not paying attention, but rather quite luscious all the same.

Hi:

It's Grover.

Listen, if you sniff a piece of cotton, sometimes it sticks to your nose and you can't get it off and you run around shaking your head like crazy and you bump into a wall and fall and then you bite and scratch your mom when she tries to hold you still to pull the piece of cotton off your nose and then you run away and you are breathing so heavy now you almost inhale the piece of cotton and you start snorting and finally your mom grabs you and pulls the cotton off your nose and puts you back on the floor.

I'm just sayin'.

Love,

Grover

Hi.

It's Grover.

Listen, I am not the one who made the pillow cases all dirty and smudgy.

That was Piggy.

He does not know how to leave the litterbox with a clean butt.

I do.

Piggy = Dirty Butt.

Grover = Clean Butt.

It was NOT me who dirtied the bed!

Serious.

Love,

Grover

I like to sit on the stove, especially when something is cooking and it's all warm and cozy and what not.

I particularly like it when the tea pot is full of water that is boiling and steam is pouring out the spout. I put my face right there with my chin high in the air and I just LOVE it!

I do not understand why my mom makes me stop. I haven't gotten burned yet, but she keeps saying I will if I don't cut it out.

She has NO idea what she's talking about or how good it feels to have steam on my face or how mad I get when she makes me stop!

Harrumph.

Yo, mom!

It's insulting to say as you clean our litterbox, "Ewwww! What the fuck have you cats been eating??????"

Thank you.

Week in review thus far.

One little black pottery bowl from Istanbul. Broken.

One little cream colored handmade bowl from a potter in New Jersey. Broken.

One white coffee cup. Broken.

I'd say it's been a pretty productive week and it's only Thursday.

The best time to express your love is at 3:00 in the morning.

And, the best way to express your love is by purring.

LOUDLY.

At 3:00 in the morning, the house is very quite so your purrs sound extra loud, even though they already sound like an idling Mac truck to start with.

Make sure you also pat your mom on her face with your paws every three minutes or so, just when you think she's fallen back to sleep.

Alternate that with licks on her eyelashes.

Ignore her when she says, "Piggy! Go to sleep!" and tries to hold you close.

Do not be fooled by her affection. She is just trying to contain your exuberance.

Keep purring and patting and licking her.

She will appreciate being shown just how very much you adore her.

Serious.

Mom wanted to know why I kept sticking my paw under the front door.

So, she opened the door to see what was out there and I dove out so freaking fast she didn't even have time to stop me.

The reason I've been sticking my paw under the door is there is a GIRL CAT out there and she's been tormenting me for DAYS!

I jumped on her, hard, all 23 pounds of me - and I started to pummel her and mom screamed at me and had to pull me off.

Then I got yelled at and tossed back into the house while mom went to make sure the girl cat was OK.

Mom said, "How can a cat with no fur who couldn't even survive outside and loves to snuggle be so freaking mean?"

I'm not mean. I'm just territorial.

Very.

And if that girl cat knows what is good for her, she won't be coming 'round my door no more.

Because I will kick her ass again.

Serious.