Hi.

This is Grover.

Listen, I love peanut butter. My mom was just packing her lunch for work tomorrow and she made these things she calls "Ladybugs on a Log" that are really a combination of three of my favorite foods. Celery sticks (she peels them, we both hate the strings), stuffed with peanut butter and dotted with a few dried cranberries. If she uses raisins we call them "Ants on a Log".

I don't care what we call them, all I care about is whenever she makes some for herself she makes a teeny one for me, too.

I lick and lick the peanut butter and I chew and chew the cranberries and I lick the celery but don't chew it...it's the leaves I love the most! I could eat celery leaves three times a day if she'd give them to me. But she doesn't.

I like a lot of different kinds of people food and I've discovered that if I sit on the countertop when mom is making something and I put on my Especially-Cute-Face and gaze at her lovingly with my big green eyes, she'll usually give me a tiny taste. Oh, and sometimes I have to meow really loud to get her attention. This is how I discovered that I love cheese, meat, chicken, butter, yogurt, eggs, jicama, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers, cottage cheese, Asian Rice cracker snacks, tuna fish, Granny Smith apples...pretty much everything she lets me taste I like.

Pig is not as big a fan of people food as I am. You'd think he would be since he's such a fat Pig. He likes some things, but you'd think he loved to eat potatoes and mushrooms all the time since that is what he smells like. But he doesn't. I like to eat both of those. But I don't like that Pig smells like them, especially when he doesn't eat them. It's just too weird.

I've always been small and sinewy, and I've always eaten a lot. If I were human, I think I'd be a model, a super model. Not one of those Amazonian ones, more like a Kate Moss one. Minus the drug problem and skanky boyfriend.

I know I'm a boy, but we're talking hypothetical here so don't get all caught up in the details.

Anyway, the whole point of this is to tell you I like peanut butter. And celery. And cranberries.

Serious.

Love,

Grover

Grover and I love catnip, even though mom says it makes me a nasty drunk because sometimes I'll bite her after I play with it.

She has this big tub o' catnip that she hides in the kitchen cabinet above the sink and, of course we know it's there; we just haven't yet figured out how to knock it down so we can have as much as we want, whenever we want.

She's pretty fair about it though...she takes old socks and fills the toes with catnip and ties them up tight with the knot just to the top of the catnip and these things are FUN! One for me and one for Grover.

Grover likes to carry his up onto the counter and kick the crap out of it up there.

I prefer the floor for my own personal kick-the-shit-out-of-the-catnip-sock entertainment.

We both like to lick our catnip socks but Grover says I lick mine too much and it gets soggy and nasty and then Siri's fur sticks all over it. Why does that dog have so much FUR and why is he always leaving it everywhere!?

Mom thinks I'm the one that's a nasty drunk but it's really Grover! He thinks he's all tough after he plays with his sock and then he sneak attacks me and tries to pin me down. He says he's the big brother and I'm the little brother and I better start acting like it. He hits me hard with his back paws, but he only weighs 6 pounds and I weigh 23 pounds so he doesn't hurt me too much, usually, but sometimes he does. I never let him know he does though. No way. I don't care that he's five years older than me, I'm nearly 4 times his weight! That's right!

After we play we like to eat and then we drink water and then we nap.

Tell your mom to make you a catnip sock! It's fun! But keep your big brother away from the catnip.

Wahoo!

Guess what year it is?

That's right - the Year of the Pig!

It's all about me this year - all about the Pig.

Finally, I am getting the attention and respect I deserve.

It's about damned time.

Grover fell into the toilet today. I swear.

He flew out of there so fast that water splashed all over.

It was VERY funny...especially since I'm the only one who usually gets baths around here.

Snort!

Hi.

This is Grover.

Listen. I really like cheese. I mean, I REALLY like cheese.

And coffee. I like to lick the lid to the coffee can. It's very tasty.

I am not above sticking my head into a cup to see if there is coffee in there. If there is, I will drink some.

It's tasty.

Keeps me up at night, though.

I have to cut back.

Love,

Grover

I love to lick the catnip banana.

I lick it and lick it and lick it and it gets all wet and soggy.

Then I get really hungry and I go into the kitchen and eat and eat and eat.

Then I take a good long nap.

Then I go lick the catnip banana again.

I singed my tail on the stove.

I pretended it didn't hurt because mom is forever taking me off the stove and telling me NOT to go back up there.

I will not let her know it hurt when I accidentally stuck my tail in the fire under the pot of boiling water.

I will have NO reaction when she rubs balm into my tail to cool it off.

I will NOT let her think she was right about this.

Screw her.

P.S. Ouch.

I have been especially loving and snuggly with my mom this week.

I keep jumping in her lap, putting my paws over her shoulder and rubbing my face against hers.

At night I sleep curled against her belly under the covers.

When she's in the shower, I peek around the curtain and gaze at her adoringly and meow a lot.

I am being particularly attentive.

Probably because I have done something very bad that she has yet to discover and I'm trying to soften her up...

Something is going on.

There is a big crate in my living room.

It smells like...well, I don't know what it smells like, but the scent has been referred to as "Siri" by my mom.

I do so hope this Siri thing is not going to inhabit the crate.

If I had hair it would be standing up right now!

I love to lick butter. Grover does, too.

It is a very tasty treat.

Not quite as tasty as licking mom's plate of brisket when she's not paying attention, but rather quite luscious all the same.

Hi:

It's Grover.

Listen, if you sniff a piece of cotton, sometimes it sticks to your nose and you can't get it off and you run around shaking your head like crazy and you bump into a wall and fall and then you bite and scratch your mom when she tries to hold you still to pull the piece of cotton off your nose and then you run away and you are breathing so heavy now you almost inhale the piece of cotton and you start snorting and finally your mom grabs you and pulls the cotton off your nose and puts you back on the floor.

I'm just sayin'.

Love,

Grover

Hi.

It's Grover.

Listen, I am not the one who made the pillow cases all dirty and smudgy.

That was Piggy.

He does not know how to leave the litterbox with a clean butt.

I do.

Piggy = Dirty Butt.

Grover = Clean Butt.

It was NOT me who dirtied the bed!

Serious.

Love,

Grover

I like to sit on the stove, especially when something is cooking and it's all warm and cozy and what not.

I particularly like it when the tea pot is full of water that is boiling and steam is pouring out the spout. I put my face right there with my chin high in the air and I just LOVE it!

I do not understand why my mom makes me stop. I haven't gotten burned yet, but she keeps saying I will if I don't cut it out.

She has NO idea what she's talking about or how good it feels to have steam on my face or how mad I get when she makes me stop!

Harrumph.

Yo, mom!

It's insulting to say as you clean our litterbox, "Ewwww! What the fuck have you cats been eating??????"

Thank you.

Week in review thus far.

One little black pottery bowl from Istanbul. Broken.

One little cream colored handmade bowl from a potter in New Jersey. Broken.

One white coffee cup. Broken.

I'd say it's been a pretty productive week and it's only Thursday.

The best time to express your love is at 3:00 in the morning.

And, the best way to express your love is by purring.

LOUDLY.

At 3:00 in the morning, the house is very quite so your purrs sound extra loud, even though they already sound like an idling Mac truck to start with.

Make sure you also pat your mom on her face with your paws every three minutes or so, just when you think she's fallen back to sleep.

Alternate that with licks on her eyelashes.

Ignore her when she says, "Piggy! Go to sleep!" and tries to hold you close.

Do not be fooled by her affection. She is just trying to contain your exuberance.

Keep purring and patting and licking her.

She will appreciate being shown just how very much you adore her.

Serious.

Mom wanted to know why I kept sticking my paw under the front door.

So, she opened the door to see what was out there and I dove out so freaking fast she didn't even have time to stop me.

The reason I've been sticking my paw under the door is there is a GIRL CAT out there and she's been tormenting me for DAYS!

I jumped on her, hard, all 23 pounds of me - and I started to pummel her and mom screamed at me and had to pull me off.

Then I got yelled at and tossed back into the house while mom went to make sure the girl cat was OK.

Mom said, "How can a cat with no fur who couldn't even survive outside and loves to snuggle be so freaking mean?"

I'm not mean. I'm just territorial.

Very.

And if that girl cat knows what is good for her, she won't be coming 'round my door no more.

Because I will kick her ass again.

Serious.

I haven't been here in a month.

I've been very busy.

I had toys to play with, food to eat, a litter box to dirty.

I had bugs to kills, Grover to beat up and cheese to sneak off my mom's plate.

I had dirty paw prints to leave all over the bathroom, a bottle of cranberry juice to break and spill all over the floor and a plastic bag to get tangled up in.

I had a beaded earring to steal (hee hee, no one has found it yet!) and a sweater to shred and a lightbulb to break.

I had to get used to sleeping under the covers again (it's COLD!).

I also had to get used to something new - I got some hair! Well, not hair really, more like little tiny stubbly bits. I know, I know, how scary. Don't worry, they'll fall out soon.

So, you see, I've been very busy.

But now I'm back.

Hi.

Ah, cool weather!

My favorite time of year!

I get to climb under the covers with my mom at night and sweat and make us both all sticky.

WAHOO!

Oh my gosh! The most amazing thing has happened to me!

My brother Rocky has found me!

I know, I know, it's unbelievable. Two years after we were born and went home with our own moms, he tracked me down.

And he even forgives me for torturing him when we were kittens!

Oh, he is gorgeous! Looks just like me, but is only half my size (I can't help it, I'm big boned!). Also, I have a dark patch on the tip of my nose and he has a dark patch to the right of his instead.

Oh, I wish you could see him - he is so very cute. His mom is named Lisa and he has her wrapped around his little paw just like I have my mom wrapped around mine. These humans, such suckers!

And, guess what?

He wears CLOTHES. I'm serious. I saw him in a Hawaiian shirt and in a costume. He told me he was rather embarrassed by it and from the look on his face (that same look of utter disdain I give my mom after she wipes my butt with baby wipes) I'd say he was telling the truth. But he looks awfully adorable!

I also saw him sitting on Santa's lap.

I wonder if Santa brought him presents?

Suddenly I'm thinking I may have been given to the wrong mom...